Intro: 🎵 Anxiety – Megan Thee Stallion 🎵
Happy World Bipolar Day and Welcome to Kaipolar Diaries! My name is Kaishon Holloway and I’m excited to welcome you on this journey of love, life, and total self-acceptance as someone living with bipolar disorder. Living with bipolar disorder, I have navigated career setbacks, personal loss, and multiple hospitalizations. But through diagnosis and self-recovery, I now aim to share insights and resources for others facing similar challenges.
🎵 Reason – PinkPantheress 🎵
Life Before I Was Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder
I was just a little boy from Fairfield County, Connecticut with big hopes and even bigger aspirations that expanded beyond the unique world of abject poverty and excess wealth that surrounded me at every turn. I’ve been a textbook overachiever my entire life. I had a career as a child actor while juggling school work and extracurriculars all in the pursuit of earth-shattering achievement that would for the lack of a better term, “get me out the hood.”
By age 19, I was flourishing in the tech industry. At my peak, I was jet-setting across the globe to speak at conferences and private executive events with HR industry leaders and influential government officials.
In 2020 my entire life came to a screeching halt — not just because of the pandemic and the momentum of the Black Lives Matter movement — but due to my mother’s untimely lung cancer diagnosis. She eventually passed away two weeks before Christmas that year on 12/12/2020. The three years that followed shook me to my core and turned my whole world upside down.
At the start of 2021, I was in a highly visible role at a world-renowned organization that was undoubtedly one of the most successful businesses on the planet during the pandemic. The ever-increasing workload and constant need for flawless execution under short deadlines started to weigh on me. What would be challenging but doable under normal circumstances, felt insurmountable when compounded with my recent loss and grief.
During this early period of Covid, the need for speed and production was at an all time high across all industries. In that moment, being a corporate superstar was no longer a priority – I didn’t know WHAT my priorities were but it sure as hell wasn’t that! I was struggling – floundering at best.
On the Verge
I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and having suicidal thoughts when I tearfully resigned from what I thought was my dream job with just 5 days’ notice – ultimately electing to take an indefinite sabbatical to get my mind right. My behavior during that time was uncharacteristic but I thought I just needed a break to reset and regroup.
A full separation from the machine of Corporate America and the widespread hustle/grind culture that had been plaguing the world for some time at this point due to the ever-present system of capitalism. With my new open schedule, I began taking antidepressants, exercising regularly, and indulging in some much-needed sunshine and spa time. But even with this “perfect” cocktail of self-care, something still felt…off.
To rewind a bit – about 10 years before my mother’s death, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack during my first semester of college. Fast forward to the spring of 2021, and reality started to set in. I was now an orphan, devoid of the two most important people in my life.
Despite having wonderful siblings and a large group of amazing friends and extended family, I still felt a massive hole in my heart. The mounting pressures of immense loss and its aftershocks, combined with total mental, physical, and emotional burnout, were about to reach a breaking point.
The Breaking Point
Cut to June 2021, 5 months after my mom’s funeral. I’m off the clock, relishing in my “Eat, Pray, Love” journey, spending time with friends in Miami. But ever true to my overachiever tendencies, I had a few job interviews lined up that week.
During one screening for a VP of Talent Acquisition role, the recruiter was brash and conveyed a toxic work culture (which supported claims I read online before our call).
This stressful corporate environment is what I just fled from and the prospect of losing my newfound freedom triggered me deeply.
On impulse, I lashed out at the recruiter and laid out point by point why their business was failing to recruit new talent and seeing such high employee turnover. This was another instance of uncharacteristic behavior as I’m usually pretty poised, jovial, and respectful – ESPECIALLY in professional settings.
After the call, I spent two days working round-the-clock devising a plan to address the widespread mistreatment of employees during the pandemic. This universal sentiment felt deeply personal.
It was the height of the “Great Resignation,” a period when people were resigning from their jobs en masse in search of an improved quality of life. I had just gone through this myself AND had hands-on experience spearheading various successful global employee engagement programs at multiple top organizations across the world. This was my calling! I–
I was spiraling into what I now recognize as a manic episode, which is often an indicator of bipolar disorder.
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder, formerly known as manic depression, is a mental health condition characterized by extreme, heightened changes in one’s mood that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). The condition is typically treated with a combination of medication, psychotherapy, and lifestyle and environmental adjustments which all play a crucial role in managing symptoms.
What is a Manic Episode?
A bipolar manic episode is a period of intense and elevated mood experienced by individuals with bipolar disorder. During a manic episode, a person may experience elevated mood, increased energy, restlessness, racing thoughts, grandiosity, impulsivity, increased talkativeness, distractibility, and irritability among other symptoms. Mood episodes (either manic episodes or depressive episodes) can last for weeks and may intensify without proper treatment.
What It’s Like to Experience a Manic Episode
In those 2 days, I sent out mass texts and emails to dozens of people in my personal and professional network, detailing my ideas to save the world and rescue mistreated employees from toxic work cultures. I was restless – getting no sleep and working tirelessly on my ideas and proposals to organizations both big and small.
Those closest to me grew more concerned as I fired off long, incoherent messages littered with emojis at lightning speed at all hours of the day and night. Eventually, one of my best friends came to my hotel, helped me pack my things, and took me to the nearest hospital. After a few days of sedation and examination, I was told that I had a manic episode and was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I.
Being Hospitalized with Bipolar Disorder
Initially, I was in denial about my diagnosis and was suspicious of treatment. My journey was not linear.
Between June 2021 and April 2022, I experienced four more manic episodes, each resulting in hospitalizations. The last one was particularly traumatic, spanning a month and involving confusion, physical assault from staff, sexual assault from a fellow patient, and other distressing events. Fortunately, I was able to recuperate enough to qualify for discharge and take short-term disability from my new job to continue the healing process.
My time in mental health care facilities in Florida and New York City opened my eyes to the mistreatment faced by individuals in similar situations. I witnessed mental and verbal abuse, as well as physical assault.
Discrimination was rampant, particularly against marginalized groups (namely, Black people, the LGBT+ community, women, and the unhoused). These individuals consistently received subpar treatment and faced more aggressive responses from the staff than their counterparts. Even more so when staff felt as if they were the only ones in the room with authority and thought no one was observing their sometimes deplorable behavior.
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of my journey was witnessing how many patients lacked the resources and advocacy to receive dignified treatment, let alone proper care during their moments of crisis. The complete lack of empathy and humanity in these psychiatric hospital environments was soul-crushing. While I encountered a few compassionate medical professionals, the vast majority were incompetent and cruel in my experience with the system.
Fortunately, I had a strong support system. My close circle of family and friends advocated for me and visited often. Once I regained mental stability, I was also able to advocate for myself. I am grateful to have made it through this experience. Although it was traumatic, without my community and personal resources, it could have been much worse.
Medication Management
Aside from the hospitalizations, I struggled with the trial and error of medication management. One of the side effects was extreme weight gain. I put on 100 pounds within 9 months.
Though beauty does come in all sizes, I lost the physical strength and mobility that I once prided myself on. There was also an uptick in unsolicited comments on my physical appearance both from people close to me and many times strangers. I even had to furnish a completely new wardrobe due to my new size, which was a task in and of itself.Â
As I searched for effective medication, I faced additional side effects like fatigue and apathy. I sought a treatment that could manage mania while restoring my physical energy and vitality without negatively affecting my metabolism.
Finding Bipolar Disorder Resources
While I grappled with my new normal, I was also facing housing insecurity. Still, I put on a brave front professionally and socially. After I was discharged from the hospital, I committed myself to “getting my life together” once and for all and figuring out this whole bipolar thing.
My true rebirth began on May 20, 2022 when I walked out of that horrific hospital experience and since then I’ve been able to reclaim not only my mental health but my body and most importantly my zest for life. My best friend, who also happens to be a licensed social worker, referred me to NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness), which hosts amazing support groups for adults with bipolar disorder and various mental illnesses.
What is NAMI?
NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, a grassroots mental health organization in the United States dedicated to providing advocacy, education, support, and public awareness for individuals and families affected by mental illness.
Upon returning to work and joining a NAMI support group, I became determined to find solutions to improve my quality of life. The first step was finally acknowledging that I am someone living with Bipolar Disorder Type I.
With the support of family members, friends, and mental health professionals, I was ready. After years of experimentation, I found a medication that works for me.
Aside from my treatment plan, I also made the following lifestyle changes to get my life back on track. These are things that worked for me and I encourage everyone to make the appropriate lifestyle adjustments that work for their unique needs.
Kaishon’s Blueprint to a Happy Life with Bipolar Disorder
- Stay Connected with Community (Family, Friends, Colleagues, etc.)
- Practice a Daily Routine
- Get 7-8 Hours of Sleep
- Eat a Balanced Diet of Whole Foods
- Exercise 3 – 4 Times a Week
- Take Medication and Vitamins
- Attend Therapy and Support Group
- Get an Annual Physical
- Practice Great Dental Hygiene
- Practice Basic Hygiene and Self Care
- Follow a Realistic Budget
- Limit Screen Time and Social Media Consumption
- Reframe Negative Thoughts into Positive Ones
- Protect Your Time and Enforce Boundaries
- Take Breaks and Breathe
Additional Resources for Bipolar Disorder
So I want to share some additional resources for my friends with bipolar disorder or anyone facing mental health challenges who may need support – especially as they’re trying to navigate it all while on the job:
- Job Accommodation Network (JAN): JAN is a service provided by the U.S. Department of Labor that offers free, expert, and confidential guidance on workplace accommodations. They can provide information on reasonable accommodations for individuals with bipolar disorder.
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): NAMI is a mental health advocacy organization that offers resources and support for individuals with mental health conditions, including bipolar disorder. They provide information on workplace rights, support groups, and educational materials.
- Mental Health America (MHA): MHA provides resources and tools to support mental health in the workplace. Their resources cover topics such as disclosure, accommodations, and managing mental health conditions while working.
- Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC): The EEOC enforces federal laws related to workplace discrimination. Their website provides information on filing discrimination complaints and understanding employee rights.
Living with Bipolar Disorder
This journey has taught me the importance of self-compassion and not being too hard on myself. As a recovering overachiever and perfectionist, I’ve liberated myself from the pressure to excel in every aspect of my life all at once.
A mentor of mine gifted me with a new perspective: “I can do anything but I can’t do EVERYTHING.” While I AM talented and capable of achieving many wonderful things in this life, it’s just not humanly possible or sustainable to perform at 100% all of the time. And I really don’t know what to tell people who believe otherwise.
This realization freed me from the shackles of perfectionism. It’s OK to be disabled. I am now considered neurodivergent and that’s OK too. I am Young. Black. Bipolar. AND Fabulous! AND. THAT. IS. O. Kay!
Rebuilding my life has given me peace of mind, stability, clarity, and a sense of empowerment that I never thought I would feel again. I hope that everyone with bipolar disorder gets to experience this feeling one day; it is possible for people like us to achieve it – If I did it, SO CAN YOU! Each day I actively choose to maintain a healthy life, and I wish you the same on your journey.
Kaipolar Diaries is a love letter, not only to myself but to all of you as you navigate your journey with bipolar disorder, mental health, or support a loved one who faces similar challenges.
In the coming months, I will share more about my story and what it’s like living with bipolar disorder. I will discuss in depth my journey with health, wealth, love, and self-expression throughout my lived experience with Bipolar Disorder Type I. I’ll also share additional resources that have helped me manage this tricky illness.
🎵 I once was lost, but now I’m found. 🎵
Please join me on this incredible ride of pure love, joy, acceptance, and freedom as we embark on this voyage together!Â
Take care of yourself and be kind to others.
Xo,
Kaishon
🎵 I Like That – Janelle Monáe 🎵
Outro: 🎵 Break My Soul – BeyoncĂ© 🎵