Dating with Bipolar Disorder comes with many challenges, but so does grieving a parent or healing after divorce. I reflect on the impact of love and loss—from the end of my marriage to the deaths of my parents—and how each moment shaped my diagnosis and recovery. This is my story of heartbreak, healing, and finding strength in vulnerability.

Happy World Bipolar Day and Happy 1st Anniversary to Kaipolar Diaries!

Intro: 🎵Why Should I Be Sad – Britney Spears🎵

“Love is the message” is the phrase that has played over and over in my head as I’ve started and stopped writing this piece over the past 8 months. It’s also one of my favorite songs to vibe out to when I’m just relaxing or writing in my diary here. The topic of love has overwhelmed me as I’ve embarked on writing this next installment, since there are so many ways I could’ve approached it.

Should I talk about my relationship with my parents and how their deaths deeply impacted my mental health—which ultimately led to my Bipolar diagnosis? Should I talk about my ex-husband and the divorce that happened a few months prior to the loss of my mom—even though most people don’t know that I was ever married? Should I just keep it simple and only talk about dating with Bipolar Disorder, and share some practical tips on how to navigate romantic life as someone living with a mental illness?

I just didn’t know where to start. Every time I’d begin writing, I’d backspace everything. Crumpling up the proverbial notebook paper, starting over with a blank page to try and sort through my thoughts on this complex subject.

Writing Through the Messy Middle

During this time off, I explored so many questions and ideas. Now, I finally feel clear on what I want to say—and how I want to approach this next chapter of the project.

First, my intention is to keep giving a glimpse into the life of someone living with Bipolar Disorder. Second, I want to keep sharing helpful information for anyone navigating mental health challenges. And most importantly, I will continue writing from a place of transparency and open-heartedness.

I’ve let go of perfection. I’m choosing clarity, authenticity, and advocacy instead. My goal is to use my lived experience and storytelling to enlighten, educate, inspire, and push for change in the way society treats mental illness—and the conditions that often create it in the first place.

A Love Letter to the Life That Made Me

Kaipolar Diaries is a love letter. To the little boy from Bridgeport, Connecticut who was shuffled between his parents’ households his whole life. To the heartbroken young man who had to part ways with his first love to choose himself.

To the man who worked tirelessly for years to become a highly sought-after corporate powerhouse and motivational speaker—traveling the globe to share his wisdom—before his mother’s untimely death stopped him dead in his tracks.

Kaipolar Diaries is also a love letter to my parents. They invested so much into my education and exposed me to art and culture through extracurriculars to ensure I’d be well-rounded. Though I can’t tell them how much their investment means to me, I’ll say it here:

I would not have survived all the peaks and valleys of life without the experiences they gave me.

🎵Inside of Me – Madonna🎵

Gratitude for My Circle

Beyond being a love letter to my younger self and my parents, this piece is also dedicated to my incredible support system.

My siblings traveled thousands of miles to make sure I was okay. They reminded me to take my meds and helped me secure short-term disability from work when I needed it. My friends stood by me, cheered me on as I found my footing, and referred me to resources like NAMI. They even helped me transition from New York City to Miami Beach.

Some colleagues became lifelong friends. Others, temporary companions who showed up when I needed them most. But each one contributed something essential.

During my manic episodes and hospital stays, I felt like Alice falling into the rabbit hole. Or Dorothy drifting off in the poppy fields. I’m grateful to have had people who pulled me out of that daze, snapped the smelling salts, and reminded me who I was. Thank you for helping me get Back to Me.

For everyone on #TeamKaishon, I thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you.

Community and the Healing Power of Being Seen

One of the most fulfilling experiences I’ve had since starting this blog has been the feedback I’ve received from my community—both new and old. People from all corners of my life have reached out to share that they too live with Bipolar Disorder. Many had never told anyone before.

There’s a sense of fraternity among us. A club that nobody really asks to join, but once you’re in, you find a kind of understanding you never knew you needed. That’s what I found when I joined the Living with Bipolar support group at NAMI in 2022.

It was the first space where I felt truly seen—without judgment, without pity. Just real connection. Real advice. Real support. That group even helped me with medication changes, moving me from Lithium (which didn’t work for me) to Depakote, which helped me find my spark again.

I’m humbled that people feel safe enough to open up to me. That’s the energy I want to put into the world.

Self-Love as Survival

Before we get into the juicy stuff—dating and love—I need to say this: RuPaul was onto something with, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

But here’s how I interpret self-love: it’s self-preservation. It’s meeting your own needs, pampering yourself when you can, and surrounding yourself with people, places, and things that bring you joy. Giving yourself the royal treatment, even in small ways.

That’s part of my Mental Kaigene philosophy. It also teaches people how to treat you. When you carry yourself like royalty, others start to mirror that energy. Of course, that’s the ideal—at the end of the day, humans are gonna human. But for me, I’ll keep pouring into myself, showing up fully, and trusting the rest will follow.

Dating While Bipolar: Rejection, Realness, and Rebirth

As for dating? Whewww. It’s a mixed bag.

In my experience, it’s about 50/50. Half the men I date are understanding and accepting. The other half sprint in the opposite direction the second I mention Bipolar Disorder.

Take New Year’s Day 2024. I met someone who checked every box. We talked for hours. There was chemistry, connection—a vibe. He was mapping out our future, then I mentioned my diagnosis and the experiences that shaped me.

You could feel a sudden shift in the room.

His body tensed up. He made an excuse. Tied his shoes like he was training for a marathon. And he was out the door before I could fully process what had just happened.

Not necessarily how I wanted to start the year. But honestly? That moment gave me so much clarity. It taught me how I wanted to approach disclosure in future relationships—whether to say something on the first date, or wait until there was something more solid.

As I mentioned in my first Instagram post, I finally feel empowered to come out of the shame and shadow of my Bipolar Type I diagnosis. That rejection became the spark that lit the flame for Kaipolar Diaries.

Being Transparent While Dating with Bipolar Disorder

By that point, I’d been living with Bipolar Disorder for two and a half years and hadn’t been able to maintain a relationship for more than a few months. I was tired of hiding. Tired of shame.

I posted my first blog soon after that New Year’s Day encounter. And now, here we are. Living in Miami, people often swap social media handles before they even ask for your phone number. So I made a conscious decision: my mental health story lives on my page. Loudly. Proudly. No shame.

Anyone interested in me gets a front row seat. They get to see exactly who I am, how I show up, and how I care for myself. If they’re into that? Great. If not? That’s fine too.

Because I am fine with me.

What I Know About Love (So Far)

I’m not a dating coach. I’m not Lamont White, Patti Stanger, or Sima Taparia. But here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Don’t settle. If someone doesn’t meet your standards or values—in any category—it’s a no.
2. Trust your gut. It knows.
3. Honor yourself. If you’re shrinking, over-accommodating, or trying to be someone you’re not—it’s not a match.

For those of you dating someone with Bipolar Disorder or another mental health condition, here’s a great resource from NAMI – How to Be Supportive of Your Partner with Mental Illness.

A Life I’m Proud Of

Since that fateful day in January 2024, my life has blossomed. I’m the happiest I’ve been since 2019. I live in my favorite city. I’m doing meaningful work. I get to speak, host, and moderate conversations with top organizations. My social life is full and still expanding.

There are challenges, sure. But overall? I’m thankful. I’m grounded. And I’m clear on my purpose. To share my love. My story. My experience. With those who need it.

Choose Love. Always.

In this chaotic world, I choose peace.

When I look around, I see abundance. I see love—for myself, from my family, from my friends, from my community. I have platforms to express myself. To connect. To heal.

And most importantly? I have choices. I get to choose who I am. I get to choose who I let in. I get to choose how I see myself. And so do you.

Whatever you want in this life—it’s possible. There is love around every corner. It may not always come from family or romance. Sometimes, it’s the stranger in the grocery store. Or the waiter who gives you a smile on a hard day.

Keep your heart open. Pass the love around like a hot potato. The world needs it.

Take care of yourself and be kind to others.

And one last thing.

Spread love—it’s the Kaishon (Hollo)way!

Xo,
Kaishon

Outro: 🎵I Just Wanna Be Happy – Gloria Estefan🎵

Managing your finances as a person with bipolar disorder can be incredibly challenging. In this guide, I’ll review how to manage your money effectively. I share my experiences with medical bills, manic spending, and the resources that helped me regain financial stability after a mental health crisis.

Happy National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month and Welcome Back to Kaipolar Diaries!

Intro: 🎵Get Up 10 – Cardi B🎵

Money and Mental Health

Before we get into the conversation of managing your finances as a person with bipolar disorder, I would like to make something clear. Financial literacy alone cannot lift you out of poverty or a sticky financial situation. Money or some form of capital is necessary to make positive financial gains.

One workshop or online course cannot magically lift the societal barriers that are standing between you and your financial goals. Capitalist society and hustle culture have duped us into believing that every aspect of our lives should be dedicated to productivity and profitability. To that, I say – “Wrong answer forehead!”

This warped point of view leaves us with very little time for true rest. It can also be detrimental to one’s psyche and mental health. All of your time and energy is solely focused on making money and not much else. 

Additionally, the cost of living continues to rise while wages virtually remain the same across the board. All of these factors put even more pressure on us to stick to a tighter budget or find additional sources of income to compensate for rising costs.

My Financial Upbringing

Influences

Navigating the economy and financial problems with a mental illness, especially Bipolar Disorder Type I, presents unique challenges. For me, these challenges are amplified by my early relationship with money, which was shaped in childhood and complicated by my diagnosis.

From a young age, I was taught the importance of a strong work ethic. My parents had stable careers—my mom worked for the United States Postal Service, and my dad held various IT positions at companies like Unilever and Hewlett Packard. They also had side hustles. My mom sold Avon and did telemarketing, while my dad repaired computers and helped with tech tasks.

Celebrities like Tyra Banks and Kimora Lee Simmons, who managed to run empires while enjoying luxurious lives, also influenced me. Their humble beginnings resonated with me and made me believe that such success was attainable.

Early Work Experience

I began working at a young age. At nine, I was scouted by a modeling agent. I took acting classes and pursued a child acting career throughout elementary and middle school. This early exposure taught me the value of money, the importance of knowing my worth, and the necessity of budgeting.

Financial awareness was instilled in me early on. My mom encouraged me to invest in a 401(k) as soon as I secured a full-time job. And my dad ensured we understood financial concepts by exposing us to Suzie Orman’s advice on everything from Roth IRAs to Living Revocable Trusts.

So Ambitious

I was academically ambitious, which translated into my adult career. My goal was always to secure a great job with a substantial income and benefits. I aimed for financial freedom and the ability to retire my parents comfortably.

This drive propelled me through college, where I juggled multiple jobs and internships while pursuing a career. By my senior year of college, I was earning about $40,000 annually from three jobs while maintaining a full-time course load. Upon graduation, I transitioned to a corporate career. I also became a freelance motivational speaker in addition to my job in the tech industry.

Although I couldn’t achieve my goal of retiring my parents due to their untimely deaths, I continued to strive for success and financial freedom until 2021. This relentless pursuit led to my first mental breakdown and manic episode at 27.

Fortunately, my mother’s estate planning provided a financial safety net during this challenging period. This emphasized the importance of having one’s affairs in order. Now, as a 30-year-old man with Bipolar Disorder Type I, my definition of success and relationship with money have changed.

My primary goal is to maintain a great income that supports my lifestyle while minimizing stress to avoid triggering manic episodes. My day job suffices, and I focus on passive income streams that don’t interfere with my career or daily tranquility.

What is the financial burden of bipolar disorder?

Budgeting and spending are crucial for me because a hallmark of mania is impulsive behavior. Impulsivity during manic episodes often results in impulsive shopping and spending, which can be highly damaging if unchecked.

Manic Spending

Having Bipolar Disorder Type I makes me more prone to manic episodes, during which impulsive decisions like overspending are common. Impulsive spending can look like:

• Using personal cash
• Maxing out credit cards
• Taking out loans to fund grandiose ideas conceived during mania
• Purchasing high-end items
• Booking expensive vacations
• Buying cars without realistically assessing finances
• Engaging in gambling
• Excessive dining out
• Shopping sprees

Medical Bills

A significant financial burden can also come from hospital bills incurred after a manic episode that requires hospitalization. The American healthcare system is notoriously expensive. Accumulating medical debt on top of other expenses from a manic episode can worsen existing financial troubles and lead to depression.

I have fallen victim to this behavior over the years, sometimes incurring debts upwards of $30,000 between personal and medical expenses. Fortunately, with the help of my financial trainer from the Financial Gym, I have managed to pay down this debt and better manage my finances. If you would like to work with an FG trainer to improve your financial situation, book a free consultation. Mention my name (Kaishon Holloway) during your first session, and they’ll take care of the rest!

I am grateful to have recovered from severe financial situations caused by mania. Below are some lessons I’ve learned to minimize the risk of financial ruin as someone with bipolar disorder.

Tips to Manage Impulsive Spending

1. Set a Budget: Creating a strict budget helps track expenses. Allocate funds for essentials and limit discretionary spending.
2. Use Cash: Limiting access to credit cards can prevent overspending. Using cash for day-to-day expenses makes it easier to stick to your budget.
3. Delay Major Purchases: Implementing a waiting period for significant purchases allows time to reconsider and assess whether the expense is necessary.
4. Accountability Partner: Having a trusted friend or family member monitor your spending can help you stay accountable.
5. Professional Help: Financial advisors or therapists can provide strategies tailored to your situation.

When Your Mental Health is Impacting Your Work Performance

Most of us need employment to survive but managing finances with bipolar disorder can impact our ability to work. If your job is affecting your mental health, there are options available to help alleviate the pressure and anxiety you may be experiencing.

You can ask for accommodations to lighten your mental load and workload, making it easier to navigate challenging moments at work. This is particularly important for someone with bipolar disorder.

Personally, I have taken a leave of absence a couple of times and have greatly benefited from it. Taking leave gave me the time to focus on my health, delve deeper into therapy, and readjust my medications. Here are some common accommodations you can request at work if your mental health is being impacted:

Work Accomodations

1. Flexible Scheduling:
   • Adjusting work hours to accommodate your mental health needs can significantly reduce stress and improve work-life balance. This might include flexible start and end times, compressed workweeks, or telecommuting options.
2. Leave of Absence:
   • Taking time off for therapy, medical appointments, or recovery from a mental health episode is crucial. This could include short-term leave or extended leave as necessary.
3. Workload Adjustments:
   • Modifying tasks, reducing workload, or redistributing responsibilities can help you manage stress and maintain productivity. This ensures tasks align with your current capacity and strengths.
4. Environmental Changes:
   • Creating a comfortable and supportive work environment can make a significant difference. This might involve providing a quiet workspace, noise-canceling headphones, adjustable lighting, or allowing remote work to minimize environmental stressors.
5. Access to Mental Health Resources:
   • Having information about Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), facilitating access to counseling services, and offering workshops or training on stress management and mental health awareness can support you in managing your mental health effectively.

These accommodations are commonly implemented because they address a wide range of mental health needs and can be tailored to individual circumstances, promoting a healthier and more productive workplace.

Additionally, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has a super helpful guide for how to request accommodations. Their detailed list includes asking your employer’s HR personnel about the process, then deciding on the specific accommodations you need and put your request in writing. They also suggest obtaining documentation from your treatment provider and keeping detailed records of all communications with your employer.

The Balancing Act

Balancing the impulsivity of bipolar disorder with the need for financial stability is challenging but achievable. Remember, it’s important to seek professional advice tailored to your unique needs. Therapists, financial advisors, and support groups can provide valuable resources and support. Managing finances with bipolar disorder is a journey, and it’s okay to seek help along the way. 

You don’t have to have 18 side hustles and 4 LLCs to live a happy, financially secure life. You can keep things simple and still have a fulfilling path ahead. With the right strategies and support, you can achieve financial stability and peace of mind – I’ve done it and so can you!

Take care of yourself and be kind to others. 

Xo,

Kai$hon

 Outro: 🎵I Am – Baby Tate ft. Flo Milli🎵

Managing my health while living with bipolar disorder has been an ongoing journey and the first year was the toughest. But, before I share my personal experience, it’s important to acknowledge a fundamental truth: there is no permanent cure for bipolar disorder.

However, it is possible to live a happy, healthy life while managing bipolar disorder. So, for those wondering, “Can you live a normal life with bipolar disorder?” The answer is a resounding yes. Through the support of medical professionals and a committed community, I discovered the necessary tools to navigate my “new normal” and thrive.

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month and Welcome Back to Kaipolar Diaries!

Intro: 🎵Solar Power – Lorde🎵
My post-diagnosis health journey was marked by numerous trials and errors. Alongside these challenges, I grappled with body image issues and self-doubt. Recognizing that there’s no instant remedy, I adopted a well-rounded approach to my well-being, considering my physical health and my emotional and mental wellness.

Denial and Acceptance

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I, my initial response was denial. I thought my manic episode and hospitalization were a fluke, caused by the grief of losing my mother.

Before this experience, my knowledge of the disorder was limited to what I had seen in the media or learned from celebrities like my idol, Mariah Carey, who had shared her experiences with it in the past. While I maintained a neutral stance on the topic, my background as a Psychology major in college also provided me with some basic understanding and empathy of this mood disorder.

However, after a few more episodes and hospitalizations, it became clear that this diagnosis wasn’t going anywhere or going to treat itself. So, at the insistence of a friend, I went to a support group led by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

Hearing the stories of individuals living with bipolar disorder was a turning point for me. I realized that to get better, I had to actively participate in my wellness. Accepting my diagnosis was the first step in the right direction.

Bipolar Medication Side Effects

Part of accepting my diagnosis was acknowledging the necessity of medication to alleviate the symptoms of bipolar disorder. It was clear that managing bipolar disorder without medication was not feasible. Contrary to popular belief, no amount of prayer, Dr. Sebi concoctions, or sheer willpower would “cure” me. (If only it were that simple.)

I needed to find a medication that worked for me. However, there are potential physical side effects to bipolar disorder medications. I experienced lethargy, a decreased sex drive, and erectile dysfunction – all of which were out of the ordinary for me. 

Yet, weight gain on bipolar medication was my most challenging side effect. Within a year, I gained 100 pounds and felt utterly trapped in my own body. During one of my hospitalizations, which spanned an entire month, I was in a very sedentary state. Coupled with a medication that heightened my appetite and intensified my carbohydrate cravings, it created a dangerous combination that resulted in steady weight gain.

After leaving the hospital I stayed on the prescribed medication and continued to rapidly put on weight, sometimes as much as 15 pounds in a matter of weeks. The impact on my appetite, metabolism, and overall energy level impacted my physical appearance and self-image.

Outside of my personal struggle, people in my life (platonic, familial, professional, and romantic) made comments regarding my weight gain, as if I wasn’t acutely aware of the changes going on inside and outside of my OWN BODY. Those who were aware of my condition were genuinely expressing concern for my overall health and my doctor even diagnosed me with prediabetes at one point. But those who weren’t aware of my condition or circumstances were just being jerks with their unsolicited opinions.

A PSA

I’ll take a moment here to address those who make comments on people’s lives, especially regarding something as superficial as people’s appearance. We often have no insight into what someone may be enduring internally. Making judgments based solely on external appearances can be deeply harmful and dismissive of the complex realities individuals may be facing.

Let’s strive to extend compassion and understanding rather than passing uninformed judgments. In simpler terms, shut your mouth and watch your words. Or as Oscar Winner Will Smith once said, “Keep Kaishon’s name out of your f***ing mouth!” – hope I got that right ☺️. Anyway, back to the topic at hand…

Keeping an open dialogue with my doctor helped me find a medication that not only restored my vitality but also revitalized my zest for life, reignited my sex drive, and enabled me to shed excess weight.

Reclaiming My Body

Once I had a medication that didn’t trigger weight gain, I focused on losing weight through diet and exercise. By this time it’s 2022; the body positivity movement of the 2010s seems like a relic and “weight-loss drugs” are trending again. My support group and doctors even suggested that I try semaglutides like Ozempic and Wegovy. But I ultimately decided to go the natural route of diet and exercise. 

Diet & Excercise

Balancing the demands of work while managing bipolar disorder made meal planning overwhelming. That’s where CookUnity, a chef-designed meal delivery service, came in handy. They had an amazing variety of options that suited my vegan diet. Having their affordable prepared meals delivered weekly eased the burden and allowed me to prioritize my health without breaking the bank. If you’re interested in joining me on this CookUnity journey, you can use my code kaishol555 and you’ll get $50 off your order plus free shipping.

My exercise regimen has been a gradual process, marked by challenging moments and a lot of self-compassion, especially given my tendency to overachieve. I invested in memberships with Equinox, Obe Fitness, and SoulCycle, to give myself variety in my weekly workout options.

So far, I’ve lost about 40 pounds. But health for me, especially now, is about much more than what the scale reads. It’s about cultivating a sense of well-being and feeling comfortable and empowered in my own skin. 

Appreciating the Process

Even with all of the messages being thrown at me from all directions, I had to start appreciating my new body as it evolved and oscillated in size over time regardless of what outside voices had to say. I had to love the man who was looking back at me in the mirror and say “to hell with it” regarding the beauty standards inflicted upon me from people in my life, greater society, and the media.

This mindset of personal empowerment was also of extreme importance due to the fact that I’m a Gay, Black man living in a major city. Being a man of this background often comes with the expectation of being a sculpted Adonis and the closer you are to that unattainable image of “perfection” the more social capital you gain. As I lost my muscle mass and physical mobility, the treatment I received from members of the various marginalized communities that I am a part of changed as well. 

Overall, This experience saved me from internalizing outside opinions as much and ingrained a deeper sense of knowing that I set my OWN beauty standard and that I look and feel damn good at any size. I’m still the shit at 250 lbs or 290 lbs regardless of what anyone else has to say about it.

Reclaiming Me

I encourage my fellow bipolar friends dealing with weight and self-image struggles to reclaim their voices, center their own opinion about their bodies, and shut out the unnecessary noise from others. Other people’s opinions about your appearance DO NOT MATTER, especially when it’s coming from a place of judgment and not from a place of genuine concern for your well-being. 

In an ongoing effort to improve my physical well-being, I decided to relocate from New York City to Miami Beach, Florida. Between the weather and activities, the city suits my new active lifestyle and commitment to my health. The mental and physical health benefits have already enhanced my quality of life astronomically. A new era is upon us, let the #Kaiami festivities begin. 

🎵 Get Up/Body Language – Kali Uchis 🎵 

Maintaining Mental Health While Bipolar

One of the symptoms of bipolar disorder is paranoia. There are points in mania where you think people are out to get you. Even when you’ve come back down to your baseline, there’s this general sense of uneasiness that the “mania monster” will rear its ugly head again, even if you are following all of the proper medicinal and lifestyle protocols to keep it at bay.

I was always afraid that the other shoe would drop; that I would end up in the hospital again or that I would never truly reclaim my mind and body. I thought I had lost BOTH for good but once I asserted my dedication to reclaiming my life, I was on a mission to get it all back and then some!

Fortunately, I began cognitive behavioral therapy in 2016 so I had a 5-year head start prior to my official diagnosis. During that time, I worked through life issues and established coping skills. So, by the time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I in 2021, I had built a foundation of mental wellness.

This setup gave me an advantage as I integrated my relationship with my therapist with my new psychiatrist, who prescribed my medication. With the behavioral and interpersonal aspects covered by my therapist and the pharmaceutical side managed by my psychiatrist, along with the support of my knowledgeable NAMI support group, I was truly set up for success. Despite facing self-doubt and fear, I’ve managed to push through and navigate the mental minefield that is bipolar disorder. 

Prioritizing Self Care

I’ve always prioritized self-care and some of my friends even call me the King of #SoftLife. It’s a growing trend across social media but I’ve been about that life for years now. And after my bipolar disorder diagnosis, it’s become an essential aspect of my healthcare routine. Incorporating self-care practices allows me to intentionally rest and recharge.

My self-care regimen includes simple maintenance like haircuts, manicures, pedicures, and oil pulling. During more indulgent moments, I treat myself to a hot stone massage, facial, ear candling, or even a colonic to really reset my system inside and out. Taking care of myself with these treatments promotes relaxation and brings me joy.

When I invest in myself, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. These self-care rituals serve as vital anchors in my journey towards maintaining my mental health. This is a concept that I often refer to as Mental Kaigene. Mental Kaigene is centered around the necessary rest and recovery that is required when living in such a fast-paced world as our own. 

How to Live a Happy Life while Managing Bipolar Disorder

Imagine if there were a one-size-fits-all guide that had all the answers! I may not have all the answers, but I often draw upon a tech-related analogy to illustrate the importance of managing both the hardware (body) and software (mind) in our lives.

“Some days are just for processing information and backing up the hard drive.”

Just as a computer or phone requires regular maintenance and updates to function optimally, our bodies and minds require ongoing care and attention.

Through my journey with Bipolar Disorder Type I, I’ve learned firsthand the significance of embracing a holistic approach to health. It’s about acknowledging the complexities of our physical, emotional, and mental states, and finding harmony amidst the challenges. With the encouragement of doctors, support groups, friends, and family, I’m committed to maintaining all aspects of my health.

Once you reach that equilibrium, you can begin to focus on other aspects of your life; like navigating financial stability or love and relationships as a person with bipolar disorder. And as a wise woman once said, 🎵 I used to be down bad, but now a bitch okay. 🎵 So, stay tuned and stay well!

🎵 After the Storm – Kali Uchis ft. Tyler the Creator 🎵

Take care of yourself and be kind to others. 

Xo,

Kaishon

Outro: 🎵 Fergalicious – Fergie 🎵

Intro: 🎵 Anxiety – Megan Thee Stallion 🎵
Happy World Bipolar Day and Welcome to Kaipolar Diaries! My name is Kaishon Holloway and I’m excited to welcome you on this journey of love, life, and total self-acceptance as someone living with bipolar disorder. Living with bipolar disorder, I have navigated career setbacks, personal loss, and multiple hospitalizations. But through diagnosis and self-recovery, I now aim to share insights and resources for others facing similar challenges.

🎵 Reason – PinkPantheress 🎵

Life Before I Was Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

I was just a little boy from Fairfield County, Connecticut with big hopes and even bigger aspirations that expanded beyond the unique world of abject poverty and excess wealth that surrounded me at every turn. I’ve been a textbook overachiever my entire life. I had a career as a child actor while juggling school work and extracurriculars all in the pursuit of earth-shattering achievement that would for the lack of a better term, “get me out the hood.”

By age 19, I was flourishing in the tech industry. At my peak, I was jet-setting across the globe to speak at conferences and private executive events with HR industry leaders and influential government officials.

In 2020 my entire life came to a screeching halt — not just because of the pandemic and the momentum of the Black Lives Matter movement — but due to my mother’s untimely lung cancer diagnosis. She eventually passed away two weeks before Christmas that year on 12/12/2020. The three years that followed shook me to my core and turned my whole world upside down.

At the start of 2021, I was in a highly visible role at a world-renowned organization that was undoubtedly one of the most successful businesses on the planet during the pandemic. The ever-increasing workload and constant need for flawless execution under short deadlines started to weigh on me. What would be challenging but doable under normal circumstances, felt insurmountable when compounded with my recent loss and grief.

During this early period of Covid, the need for speed and production was at an all time high across all industries. In that moment, being a corporate superstar was no longer a priority – I didn’t know WHAT my priorities were but it sure as hell wasn’t that! I was struggling – floundering at best. 

On the Verge

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and having suicidal thoughts when I tearfully resigned from what I thought was my dream job with just 5 days’ notice – ultimately electing to take an indefinite sabbatical to get my mind right. My behavior during that time was uncharacteristic but I thought I just needed a break to reset and regroup.

A full separation from the machine of Corporate America and the widespread hustle/grind culture that had been plaguing the world for some time at this point due to the ever-present system of capitalism. With my new open schedule, I began taking antidepressants, exercising regularly, and indulging in some much-needed sunshine and spa time. But even with this “perfect” cocktail of self-care, something still felt…off.

To rewind a bit – about 10 years before my mother’s death, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack during my first semester of college. Fast forward to the spring of 2021, and reality started to set in. I was now an orphan, devoid of the two most important people in my life.

Despite having wonderful siblings and a large group of amazing friends and extended family, I still felt a massive hole in my heart. The mounting pressures of immense loss and its aftershocks, combined with total mental, physical, and emotional burnout, were about to reach a breaking point.

The Breaking Point

Cut to June 2021, 5 months after my mom’s funeral. I’m off the clock, relishing in my “Eat, Pray, Love” journey, spending time with friends in Miami. But ever true to my overachiever tendencies, I had a few job interviews lined up that week.

During one screening for a VP of Talent Acquisition role, the recruiter was brash and conveyed a toxic work culture (which supported claims I read online before our call).

This stressful corporate environment is what I just fled from and the prospect of losing my newfound freedom triggered me deeply.

On impulse, I lashed out at the recruiter and laid out point by point why their business was failing to recruit new talent and seeing such high employee turnover. This was another instance of uncharacteristic behavior as I’m usually pretty poised, jovial, and respectful – ESPECIALLY in professional settings.  

After the call, I spent two days working round-the-clock devising a plan to address the widespread mistreatment of employees during the pandemic. This universal sentiment felt deeply personal.

It was the height of the “Great Resignation,” a period when people were resigning from their jobs en masse in search of an improved quality of life. I had just gone through this myself AND had hands-on experience spearheading various successful global employee engagement programs at multiple top organizations across the world. This was my calling! I–

I was spiraling into what I now recognize as a manic episode, which is often an indicator of bipolar disorder. 

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder, formerly known as manic depression, is a mental health condition characterized by extreme, heightened changes in one’s mood that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). The condition is typically treated with a combination of medication, psychotherapy, and lifestyle and environmental adjustments which all play a crucial role in managing symptoms.

What is a Manic Episode?

A bipolar manic episode is a period of intense and elevated mood experienced by individuals with bipolar disorder. During a manic episode, a person may experience elevated mood, increased energy, restlessness, racing thoughts, grandiosity, impulsivity, increased talkativeness, distractibility, and irritability among other symptoms. Mood episodes (either manic episodes or depressive episodes) can last for weeks and may intensify without proper treatment.

What It’s Like to Experience a Manic Episode

In those 2 days, I sent out mass texts and emails to dozens of people in my personal and professional network, detailing my ideas to save the world and rescue mistreated employees from toxic work cultures. I was restless – getting no sleep and working tirelessly on my ideas and proposals to organizations both big and small.

Those closest to me grew more concerned as I fired off long, incoherent messages littered with emojis at lightning speed at all hours of the day and night. Eventually, one of my best friends came to my hotel, helped me pack my things, and took me to the nearest hospital. After a few days of sedation and examination, I was told that I had a manic episode and was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type I. 

Being Hospitalized with Bipolar Disorder

Initially, I was in denial about my diagnosis and was suspicious of treatment. My journey was not linear. 

Between June 2021 and April 2022, I experienced four more manic episodes, each resulting in hospitalizations. The last one was particularly traumatic, spanning a month and involving confusion, physical assault from staff, sexual assault from a fellow patient, and other distressing events. Fortunately, I was able to recuperate enough to qualify for discharge and take short-term disability from my new job to continue the healing process. 

My time in mental health care facilities in Florida and New York City opened my eyes to the mistreatment faced by individuals in similar situations. I witnessed mental and verbal abuse, as well as physical assault.

Discrimination was rampant, particularly against marginalized groups (namely, Black people, the LGBT+ community, women, and the unhoused). These individuals consistently received subpar treatment and faced more aggressive responses from the staff than their counterparts. Even more so when staff felt as if they were the only ones in the room with authority and thought no one was observing their sometimes deplorable behavior.

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of my journey was witnessing how many patients lacked the resources and advocacy to receive dignified treatment, let alone proper care during their moments of crisis. The complete lack of empathy and humanity in these psychiatric hospital environments was soul-crushing. While I encountered a few compassionate medical professionals, the vast majority were incompetent and cruel in my experience with the system.

Fortunately, I had a strong support system. My close circle of family and friends advocated for me and visited often. Once I regained mental stability, I was also able to advocate for myself. I am grateful to have made it through this experience. Although it was traumatic, without my community and personal resources, it could have been much worse.

Medication Management

Aside from the hospitalizations, I struggled with the trial and error of medication management. One of the side effects was extreme weight gain. I put on 100 pounds within 9 months.

Though beauty does come in all sizes, I lost the physical strength and mobility that I once prided myself on. There was also an uptick in unsolicited comments on my physical appearance both from people close to me and many times strangers. I even had to furnish a completely new wardrobe due to my new size, which was a task in and of itself. 

As I searched for effective medication, I faced additional side effects like fatigue and apathy. I sought a treatment that could manage mania while restoring my physical energy and vitality without negatively affecting my metabolism.

Finding Bipolar Disorder Resources

While I grappled with my new normal, I was also facing housing insecurity. Still, I put on a brave front professionally and socially. After I was discharged from the hospital, I committed myself to “getting my life together” once and for all and figuring out this whole bipolar thing. 

My true rebirth began on May 20, 2022 when I walked out of that horrific hospital experience and since then I’ve been able to reclaim not only my mental health but my body and most importantly my zest for life. My best friend, who also happens to be a licensed social worker, referred me to NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness), which hosts amazing support groups for adults with bipolar disorder and various mental illnesses.

What is NAMI?

 NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, a grassroots mental health organization in the United States dedicated to providing advocacy, education, support, and public awareness for individuals and families affected by mental illness.

Upon returning to work and joining a NAMI support group, I became determined to find solutions to improve my quality of life. The first step was finally acknowledging that I am someone living with Bipolar Disorder Type I.

With the support of family members, friends, and mental health professionals, I was ready. After years of experimentation, I found a medication that works for me. 

Aside from my treatment plan, I also made the following lifestyle changes to get my life back on track. These are things that worked for me and I encourage everyone to make the appropriate lifestyle adjustments that work for their unique needs.

Kaishon’s Blueprint to a Happy Life with Bipolar Disorder

• Stay Connected with Community (Family, Friends, Colleagues, etc.)
• Practice a Daily Routine
• Get 7-8 Hours of Sleep
• Eat a Balanced Diet of Whole Foods
• Exercise 3 – 4 Times a Week
• Take Medication and Vitamins
• Attend Therapy and Support Group
• Get an Annual Physical
• Practice Great Dental Hygiene
• Practice Basic Hygiene and Self Care
• Follow a Realistic Budget 
• Limit Screen Time and Social Media Consumption
• Reframe Negative Thoughts into Positive Ones
• Protect Your Time and Enforce Boundaries
• Take Breaks and Breathe

Additional Resources for Bipolar Disorder

So I want to share some additional resources for my friends with bipolar disorder or anyone facing mental health challenges who may need support – especially as they’re trying to navigate it all while on the job: 

• Job Accommodation Network (JAN): JAN is a service provided by the U.S. Department of Labor that offers free, expert, and confidential guidance on workplace accommodations. They can provide information on reasonable accommodations for individuals with bipolar disorder.
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): NAMI is a mental health advocacy organization that offers resources and support for individuals with mental health conditions, including bipolar disorder. They provide information on workplace rights, support groups, and educational materials.
• Mental Health America (MHA): MHA provides resources and tools to support mental health in the workplace. Their resources cover topics such as disclosure, accommodations, and managing mental health conditions while working.
• Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC): The EEOC enforces federal laws related to workplace discrimination. Their website provides information on filing discrimination complaints and understanding employee rights.

Living with Bipolar Disorder

This journey has taught me the importance of self-compassion and not being too hard on myself. As a recovering overachiever and perfectionist, I’ve liberated myself from the pressure to excel in every aspect of my life all at once.

A mentor of mine gifted me with a new perspective: “I can do anything but I can’t do EVERYTHING.” While I AM talented and capable of achieving many wonderful things in this life, it’s just not humanly possible or sustainable to perform at 100% all of the time. And I really don’t know what to tell people who believe otherwise.

This realization freed me from the shackles of perfectionism. It’s OK to be disabled. I am now considered neurodivergent and that’s OK too. I am Young. Black. Bipolar. AND Fabulous! AND. THAT. IS. O. Kay!

Rebuilding my life has given me peace of mind, stability, clarity, and a sense of empowerment that I never thought I would feel again. I hope that everyone with bipolar disorder gets to experience this feeling one day; it is possible for people like us to achieve it – If I did it, SO CAN YOU! Each day I actively choose to maintain a healthy life, and I wish you the same on your journey.

Kaipolar Diaries is a love letter, not only to myself but to all of you as you navigate your journey with bipolar disorder, mental health, or support a loved one who faces similar challenges.

In the coming months, I will share more about my story and what it’s like living with bipolar disorder. I will discuss in depth my journey with health, wealth, love, and self-expression throughout my lived experience with Bipolar Disorder Type I. I’ll also share additional resources that have helped me manage this tricky illness.

🎵 I once was lost, but now I’m found. 🎵

Please join me on this incredible ride of pure love, joy, acceptance, and freedom as we embark on this voyage together! 

Take care of yourself and be kind to others. 

Xo,

Kaishon

🎵 I Like That – Janelle Monáe 🎵

Outro: 🎵 Break My Soul – Beyoncé 🎵